A friendship or romantic relationship can get through many ups and downs. At times, during our hurt, it can feel as though our affection has vanished. Often, however, we can return to closeness because our very hurt tells us we care. Indeed, relationships can grow stronger from periods of disappointment.
What relationships cannot survive is a loss of respect. When we feel disappointment and hurt, often it's because of actions that the other person has taken. When we feel a loss of respect, it's because the other person's character has come into question. We can tolerate a disagreement with a spouse or business partner and often grow from the resolution. What is far more difficult to accept is betrayal and dishonesty. The person we trusted is not the person we had hoped for. The issue is not bad actions, but bad actors.
Once respect is lost, can there be genuine caring, liking, and love?
Missing in many discussions of personal growth and positive psychology is the element of self-respect. If we value and respect ourselves, we naturally gravitate to what is good for us and avoid what is damaging. In the past, I was offered opportunities to work with trading firms that I knew treated their traders badly. I didn't bother to find out the compensation. I said no. It was exactly the same reason that I don't want to put harmful drugs in my body or maintain abusive relationships. When we respect ourselves, our actions align with our well-being.
When we do things that we know to be bad for us or stay in situations we know to be harmful despite the presence of constructive alternatives, we act on the premise of self-disrespect. How we treat ourselves is our relationship with our selves. What we pursue in life is a reflection of what we ultimately desire for ourselves. What we do with our lives mirrors our character. An empty life, an indulgent life, a life without overarching purpose? Without self-respect, there can be no positive psychology.
Self-respect grows from what we do. It is when we act upon our values that we ultimately feel most valuable. A great question for reflection: What am I doing today that I would be proud to be acknowledged in my obituary? If we're not doing something each day, each week that we are truly proud of, the result is self-betrayal and an erosion of self-respect.
Life is a great gymnasium. If each day exercises our character strengths, we grow the kind of self-respect that attracts the right opportunities and the right people. We can't always be happy and we can't always be successful. We can, however, always live today with integrity.
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